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If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is