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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates