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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
for all #parents out there
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.