4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
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Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Self-cleaning conscience
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN