4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
🤭😂
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
#dnd #ttrpg
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear