4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Don’t we all.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Everything reminds me of my ex
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives