@AmishSuperModel

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

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@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

@Scorpio1080

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

@thepunningman

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

@Marlebean

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

@LarrysTwin99

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

@jimmytorosian

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

@iGreenGod

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

@MichaelJErhart

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*