Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*