4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
You Might Also Like
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
⛄️
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
The Joker was right
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout