4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes