4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
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I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun