4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
You Might Also Like
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
whatcha thinkin bout
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Thursday Thought.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday