4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I don’t know what to do
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season