4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
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Finally, a door that understands me
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
what it’s like dating me:
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.