4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
*frowns in Scottish*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?