4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro