4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.


If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.


I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead


Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.


That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.


Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in


Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.


Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.


maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins