I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins