4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy