4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.