4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Uh oh…
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan