4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
my dog when i have a friend over
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment