5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that