5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Growing up was a huge mistake
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Lmao the reply
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.