5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Mhm.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery