5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.