@OhNoSheTwitnt You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
@3sunzzz 5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@vineyille My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
@Reverend_Scott *bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
@Billhenry16 I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
@CulturedRuffian ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
@Hobo_Splendido I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
@AmericanGent69 Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
@funflaps Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
@chuuew To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
@bonehugsnirony Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.