5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?