5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same