Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15