5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you鈥檙e getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
These pit stains indicate I鈥檝e put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
We鈥檝e come full circle
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How鈥檚 the water temperature?
[Water so hot it鈥檚 scalding my scalp]
Me: It鈥檚 fine
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I can鈥檛 make everyone happy, I鈥檓 not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 馃槝
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 馃槈
Them: …many, many laws.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can鈥檛 hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!