5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
This is the best one I’ve seen
A Match(.com), but for socks.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
6. me as a lawyer
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)