5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You Might Also Like
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Breaking news:
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people