5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please