5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
You Might Also Like
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
We need more people like this.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I can fix him.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!