5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Lassie, get help!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.