5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict