[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.