5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*gets down on one knee*
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.