5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo