5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
live, laugh, laundry.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.