5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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Batman v Dracula
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.