5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope![]()
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin