5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
sensitive skin
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.