5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
is this how new cars are made??
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.