5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
the Monday after daylight savings
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.