5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
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I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school