5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Haha! 😂
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Worst perfume name ever.