5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.