@Merman_Melville I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
@MumInBits 5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
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@Merman_Melville 
@AtticusFinch79 [creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
@_SingleBabyMama I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
@TheWoodenslurpy Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
@LackOfShame I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
@notmythirdrodeo [Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
@JohnSmi7513 
@XplodingUnicorn [out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
@AndyAsAdjective [texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
@jakery [overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet