5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You Might Also Like
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Mistakes were made
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.