5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”