5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
(2022)
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”