5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫