[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
You Might Also Like
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
This is I, Robot all over again
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.